Accidental Sex Series
by DarkMetropolis
Summary: "Oh dear, John, it appears you've fallen on my penis" the detective noted with his usual tone of discovery. "Why yes, Sherlock, it certainly does. Whatever will we do about this situation?" John queries, wondering what they could do at this unexpected turn of events. Later on Mycroft and Greg discover this accidental coupling is going around. Multi-chapter crack.
1. I've Fallen and I Can Get It Up

From this Kink Meme prompt: Craaaack. Sherlock and John have accidental sex. Literally.

"Oh dear, John, it appears you've fallen on my penis."  
"Why yes Sherlock, it certainly does. Whatever will we do about this situation?"  
"Oops, now I have an erection."  
"Jolly good, me too!"

* * *

"Sherlock, are you alright? When I was getting out of the shower I heard a large thump from your room. I'm just seeing if you're ok?"

"I've slipped off my bed, not to worry"

"You're not hurt are you? I'm coming in"

At this the blond burst through the door that connects Sherlock's room to the bathroom. As he didn't take the time to dry himself off he slipped and toppled forward in an awkward tangle of limbs. It took a few breathless moments for the two of them to realise what had happened.

"Oh dear, John, it appears you've fallen on my penis" the detective noted with his usual tone of discovery.

"Why yes, Sherlock, it certainly does. Whatever will we do about this situation?" John queried, wondering what they could do at this unexpected turn of events.

Suddenly a slight movement added to the complexity of the situation. "Oops, now I have an erection"

"Jolly good, me too!" the doctor added with glee. "I can't believe I landed at the exact angle that was required for me to swallow your man-sword in one clean movement! It's lucky I've been keeping myself constantly stretched and lubed after that nasty business with the Robinson case"

"I thought we weren't going to mention that again. I'll never see icecream scoops, hairspray and garden hoses the same way again"

John looked down, appearing distracted. "I owe a lot of people that have come into the ER apologies. Apparently you can slip and fall on things like this!"

"Indeed. John, would you be partial to me thrusting now? Only I don't think I can hold myself off much longer"

"That sounds good. For some reason this has caused me no pain and I find myself adequately prepared for intercourse"

"Well then, there is nothing else for it". At this he began to thrust with earnest, not needing to take any time for his partner to adjust.

"Oh, Sherlock! Your manhood is stabbing into my prostate and the direct, firm and unyielding pressure feels amazing!"

Sherlock turned them over so he is now able to plow into his flatmate. "Would you care for some penile stimulation?"

"I think I can come just from you sliding your love-wand in and out of me repetitively!"

"Strange for your first anal experience" Sherlock noted, with a furrowing of his brow.

"Yes…first…" John replied with shifty eyes. "Oh, Sherlock…I'm going to blow like a gale force wind on a high alert day!"

"As I am, John. Oh..Oh Ohh!".

Suddenly they were coming together like alcohol and bad choices.

As they lay panting on each other John had a sudden realisation. "You planned this whole thing, didn't you?"

"I admit, I did. I knew that after hearing a strange sound your doctor instincts would kick in and you'd have to investigate. Going by the angle of the doorway, the amount of soap you use during the average shower and how many days were in the month you were born, I knew exactly where to lie for the resulting connection to happen"

"Amazing! Although, I should be angry with you. But this is far better than you drugging my coffee"

"I thought so". There was a shift and he looked down to see that they were both inexplicably rock hard again after only 3 minutes. "Round two?"

"I thought you'd never ask".

* * *

This is my first attempt at crack so hopefully it came across ok!

Up next is Greg visiting Mycroft in his office. Then John, Sherlock, Mycroft and Greg in an unfortunate incident at the Homes manor involving Mr and Mrs Holmes.


	2. A Push in the Right Direction

"Thanks for letting me use your loo, Mycroft" DI Lestrade remarked casually as he walked back into the Strangers Room at the Diogenes. "Too much coffee at the Yard, if you can call that stuff _coffee_"

"Quite alright, Inspector, I've been busying myself with my newly delivered desk here" he replied, indicating to the large item of furniture in front of him.

Greg didn't seem to be listening and instead was doing something with the front of his trousers. "My bloody fly's stuck, I thought I had it"

"Well I'll just turn the other way to give you some privacy". At this he moved his back to his guest in politleness and began to instead eye his reports.

The policeman frowned, a little dumbfounded. "I've been pulling at it for minutes but it just won't stay up! Maybe you can give me a hand? I'm sorry, this has never happened to me before, I swear!"

"I can take a look if you wish, let me just put my papers down". As the government worker moved forward his lack of belt caught up with him and his pants slid down to just above his knees. His mouth silently opened and closed like a fish before he was able to get out over his left shoulder "Apologies, my recent diet has been a bit too successful, I'm afraid. Not to worry, I'll just bend over and pick these up. No harm done".

Just as he did, Greg, who was walking over, tripped on his hems and toppled into the man in front of him. Together they fell forward onto the desk, one on top of the other. It may not have been clear to anyone watching exactly what had happened until Greg let out a long moan.

Mycroft recovered the power of speech first having already reached the most logical conclusion in his mind disco. "I must still be prepared from my vigorous self-pleasure session before you arrived! It ended up being uneventful due to a number of factors. In fact, my remaining erection must have been what was holding my trousers up! I must have also forgotten to put my underwear back on" he explained.

"And all that tugging around trying to get my zip up got me a bit excited. What are the chances!" Lestrade muttered as though it was just a lucky mishappen and nothing more to trip and find yourself in the business end of a man. Greg looked at where they were connected and proudly exclaimed "I'm balls deep in you, all 9 inches!"

"Well, seven and a half" Mycroft corrected.

At this Lestrade pulled out a little and pushed in again, a little harder than necessary in response.

"Mmmmmm" Mycroft moaned approvingly. "Remarkable the way I am still completely prepared, pain free and not at risk of any injury. Do that again".

At this Lestrade began to slowly slide in and out, gradually building up a rhythm. "God, what have you got in here? It's so, so _wet_ still! And silky. And do I detect a hint of lavender?"

"Lubricant" Mycroft grunted, running his palms along the wood under him. "Government issue. Made at a top secret location which invents experimental sex toys for VIP Class A1.3 and up only. Receives more funding than the school and public housing systems combined".

"I don't think your superiors would be happy to hear about that" Lestrade reasoned, doing a little circle and thrust with his hips.

"They're the ones who fund it…ah!" he gasped as Greg brushed against his prostate. "God I haven't been this hard since the last televised budget!"

Lestrade returned a moan when the man clamped around him for a moment. "Christ, you're so sexy when you talk _fiscally_. I bet you're a sucker for large decimal points, columns that balance, well documented cash flow diagrams-"

"-oh God, Gregory! Stop talking, I'll…too early…"

"Don't worry, I've got you. Jeez, I'm nearly there already too. It used to take up to five whole minutes from start to finish with the wife! What was I thinking?"

"If this is your idea of dirty talk I don't blame her for leaving"

Greg thrust harder although it didn't result in the punishment he intended as they both shuddered, right on the precipice "You really are- a-_Holmes_"

Mycroft ignored that while he leant down to gasp himself firmly and stroke. "Going-going to-"

"-me too-you're fuckin' gorgeous…like a- well laid out, handwritten- _receipt registrar_!"

At this Mycroft howled and Greg followed him as the other pulsed around his sensitive man pole.

Once they had wrung out all the pleasure they could, still riding an incredible high, Greg dropped down and lay on his partner's back while he got his breath back. "Well, that was…that was…"

"Unexpected? I must award you full points on the sexual dialogue, however. How you knew about the receipt registrars I'll never know". Mycroft pushed back to give the message that he wanted to get up, which he was allowed to do and they both stood there. Greg bent forward and put his hands on his knees while Mycroft folded and pushed his handkerchief into his pocket, he'd been able to catch all of his release with practiced poise.

"This shouldn't be a one off. I want to do that again and again and again. With you"

"Want to see where I keep my toys?"

"Oh God, yes"

* * *

In the books originally Sherlock tells John that Mycroft audits the books at the government so I thought I'd put something in there to honour that. I use the word 'honour' loosely, I guess...

Hope you enjoyed it! Feedback welcome.


	3. And You Thought That Was Awkward? Part 1

John, Sherlock, Mycroft and Greg were sitting at the Holmes Manor dining table waiting for Mummy and Mr. Holmes to return with the last of the Sunday lunch.

"Really!" Sherlock continued, glaring at his brother "My policeman?"

"He's mine now" Mycroft said clearly, not taking his eyes off the buttered potatoes, licking his lips.

Sherlock wasn't going to be silenced. "Your pants happened to drop at the right moment? I'm meant to believe that? _Me_?"

The elder brother sighed and finally turned his attention to his sibling. "Before you go on, judging by the suit you wore last time I saw you, the new layers of mirth to Doctor Watson's grins and the average size of a pregnant termite I _know_ something similar has happened to the two of you recently"

Sherlock actually pursed his lips and turned away just as Mummy's cheerful voice rang out from the doorway closest to him. "Oh there's no need for embarrassment, Dears, it's quite the Holmes tradition!"

Mr. Holmes joined in, slipping into the room from another entrance. "Yes, happened to your mother and I twice!"

"Seven years apart" Mummy continued a little softer, suddenly looking thoughtful as though there was a reason she wasn't meant to mention that in front of present company. She then went on as she moved the potatoes away from Mycroft and placed the salad there instead. "Then there was the time it happened to your father and his boss"

"Looked a bit like you actually" he said to John as though that were a huge compliment.

"And then the time with the gardener and I" Mummy said wistfully.

"You slept with Jack? Accidently?"

"Ah, yes. Must have been...accidently". No one seemed to accept that explanation.

Mr. Holmes took in the table, beaming at each guest. "So this is Watkins?" he asked, eyeing the doctor.

"Watson, John Hamish Watson" Sherlock corrected, piling most of the potatoes onto his own plate with a smirk to Mycroft who in turn gripped his cutlery so hard his fingers turned white. He relented when Greg silently placed a hand on his arm in support.

"I knew a _Gerard_ Hamish Watson" the eldest man commented once they were all seated.

"That was my Grandfather's name!" John exclaimed, with a small twist of his head.

Mr. Holmes stilled, looking as though he'd swallowed his gold fillings, then placed his knife and fork down. "He was my boss".

For once everyone in the same room reached an identical deduction at the same time as the Holmes brothers.

"I'd rate his wife a seven" Mummy continued not sensing the atmosphere in the room or perhaps not caring, moving the breadstick away from herself before she could eat any. "I wouldn't get into bed with anyone less than a seven".

Sherlock excused himself from the table in French and Mycroft pushed his plate away and left through another exit muttering something about stomach medication. Greg and John stared at each other in horror.

"So Greg" Mummy called out "how would you rate Mycroft? Don't be shy, Dear. John you're next. Oh, this is getting rather fun!".

* * *

Hope you're enjoying this, one chapter to go! Reviews are welcome :)


	4. And You Thought That Was Awkward? Part 2

By the time John and Greg enter the sitting room that the Holmes brothers had escaped to they are in a bad way.

They're both shaking and pale with shock, Greg teary eyed.

"Mycroft" Sherlock whispers, sounding for a moment like a lost child "I can't read anything on them. All I'm getting are little question marks and an ampersand which seems a bit lost but now it's here doesn't want to make a show of leaving"

"Remarkably I'm getting the same, Brother Dear. If we had more time I'd boogie off to my Mind Disco but I think we should instead get them a drink". At this he stands then says softly "and there go our chances of getting any tonight. And I thought I was going to be cockblocked by _you_ this trip, not our mother"

"If she didn't I would have made a full effort to"

"I have no doubt".

A minute later the two guests are sitting with a large scotch each which have to be refilled twice before they'll talk.

"She-" John begins in a choked voice, then pauses to take a moment of silence for his dignity. "She asked us to rate you, your _performances _on a scale of one to ten"

Sherlock nods and says seriously "I assume you marked me down to a nine after the unfortunate incident with the legumes?"

Mycroft glares and lets out a sigh. "But that is not why you two are so…_dismayed_"

"It was awful!" Greg explodes not able to hold it in a moment longer.

"We were helping your parents move the dishes down to one of the kitchens-"

"-and we were hurrying along 'cause we couldn't take much more talk about sex with our partner's geriatric parents-"

"-when your mother trips on a dropped bundle of 100 pound notes left in the hall and, and-"

"-your father follows, landing his face perfectly on her crotch!"

"His arms are trapped under her thighs so he tries to lift himself with the only thing he can gain leverage with-"

"-which happens to be his tongue"

"He pushes and tries to move it every which way to try to get off-"

"-so she gets her hand down there to also try and help move his tongue away. He manages to move it lower while she keeps her fingers there, moving, just in case he goes up again-"

"-she is squirming, trying to let him free his arms but he can't quite seem to get there"

"But she could. Get there I mean"

"I didn't know women that age could squir-"

"-no!" Mycroft calls out just in time to mostly cover the last word. "No, please. No. Stop. Please". He's moving a hand from his stomach to his heart, obviously not knowing which one needs the most settling.

Sherlock is uncharacteristically quiet as he slowly walks over to a desk, opens a drawer and takes out a box. Inside the box is an old mace. "It's not perfect but if we-"

"-I'm not hitting you with the mace, Sherlock" Mycroft cuts in wearily.

John walks over and gently removes the weapon from his partner's hands and places it in the drawer. Just before he closes it he sees an old photo. He picks it up and notices that it is with his grandfather and Mr. Holmes in an office, smiling.

"If it makes you feel any better" Sherlock begins "I used to masturbate to that picture as a teen. It was a personal favourite"

John lowers his head then suddenly raises it, understanding blooming on his features and knocking out any other feelings he had about that statement, which was a lot. "Is that why you insist on calling me Mr. Watson in bed?"

Sherlock blushes. "Make a deduction".

Greg on the other hand is openly sobbing on Mycroft's shoulder. "…and it, and it was _worse_ than the, than the _worst_ crime scene I've been to and I've seen _a lot_".

Mycroft leans down and whispers "Why don't we…" he says the last bit so quietly that no one else can hear.

Greg chokes back a wail "No sex, only chocolate!"

Silence rings out then "Interesting" Sherlock notes "apparently the longer people spend in my brother's presence the more they crave sweets"

"Sherlock" Mycroft growls "I'm going to-"

* * *

As they leave the next day, the four of them are silent in the back of Mycroft's large, luxury car. As the vehicle pulls away from the manor Mr. and Mrs. Holmes wave their goodbyes.

"Let us never speak of what transpired here this weekend" Mycroft announces. "I'm personally introducing a law to be passed, should be fast tracked tomorrow, which bans all Sunday roasts from UK homes. It's not perfect but it's a start in wiping this from memory".

They all nod, not having to vocalise their strong agreement. They are ten minutes down the road when Sherlock says "So, who wants to see exactly how dirty we can get in the back here together?"

* * *

A/N: Apparently inshock!greg is premenstral!greg, who knew? I don't know how well that goes down at crime scenes.

So here is the real end of the series (for now?), thank to all who have read and to those who reviewed :D


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